Staying On The Edge..
Updated: May 23
I put so much pressure on myself because it’s about time I stepped up. My entire life I had anxiety. It never mattered where I was or what I was doing - I always had anxiety. I always felt i was outside of my vibration. This anxiety wasn’t brought on by weed or social stuff or my parents. It was the universe talking to me. I was wasting my time. I got my first job at 13 and have been working ever since. With kids, in bars, hotels, walking dogs, managing files, working in a gift shop, assisting an interior designer, interning at a law firm for a paraplegic lawyer, taking the LSAT and preparing for law school - none of it was acting. (For the sake of this post let’s leave out the performance aspect in law) None of it was being on a stage. None of it was using my creativity and my talents in the way I always should’ve.
That’s why I had anxiety.
When I came here for a month to do Ocean’s 8 I stayed with a Jamaican family up in Harlem. After about my dozenth game of dominos with their child, I realized I could actually do this. Like I could actually move to NY and become an actor. Then, all of a sudden, the anxiety turned into excitement fear- all sorts of emotions.
So off I went.
To be the thing I always was supposed to be.
Then when I got here I’m fortunate to have been able to do just about every kind of job that an actor has to deal with.
I waited to join SAG, for over a year, even though I could’ve joined only 2 months after moving.
That was all well and good, but I needed lead experience, I needed supporting experience, I needed host experience, I needed live street reporter experience, I needed teleprompter experience - I needed to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I needed to develop my own way of doing things.
So that’s exactly what I did. And in doing so I was able to take leaps and have an insane amount of fun doing each job. Could it be improved? Can it be refined? Of course, and it will be. Everyday.
But That’s why I beat myself up - I allow these outside forces to impact my internal process.
I guess one can call it natural,
But I’ll call it being an idiot.
I correct my own mistakes once I see them as mistakes.