Oh, 2020

(From December 2020)

If anything else this year has taught me that anything can happen, at any time, with any and all consequence. I was just living what seems now to be a dream. An actor finding his way in America’s biggest city. But the trauma of having to uproot it this year made me change the way I was thinking. I moved to New York City without any acting experience, now I have a life of purpose and a heart full of love. Love for the craft, for the people I work with, for the material I get to get my hands on, and for the opportunity to be in front of a camera, acting. I love every single element about this job. There is not one single thing that I do not like. How lucky am I? How many people are working in careers that they have such a full heart and are filled with such purpose to do the job that is theirs to do? I have no idea. I met a fantastic mail person who works for us in the city way back when i lived in sunset park in Brooklyn, she loved her job as much as I do in film. And people loved her. How amazing is this? When you meet people who are passionate about what they do, it leaves a mark on you. It drives you, to be better. To ask. You’ll have a hard time getting through life without the ability to ask. Ask questions, ask for help. I was taught this lesson in my 20s. Better late than never. But as a kid, I always asked questions. When you don’t come from any money the ability to ask for help usually came from an insecure place. It was hard asking for help, because I always needed it. Instead of the miraculous help i always needed, the universe interrupted my plans to serve me a tiny miracle. I listened. You know who else I listened to? Good friends do wonders for your insecurities or your struggles or your short comings. They fill you up. They fill in your pot holes. They teach you things. Be very careful with who you call a friend in this life. This year has taught me those who you hold so close can let you down while those who you just met can be there in a blink of an eye. It’s all about consistency, intent, purpose. We only have a short time on this earth. Life flys by. Literally. While the days may feel long, one day you will sit back and it will feel like an actual blink of an eye. Take it from someone who just learned this lesson. This year taught me a lot, and I miss a lot. I miss the old New York. The way my life used to be, the madness, the people, the auditions, the hustle, the movies the shows the fun nights. I miss all of it. But what I do not miss is a fleeting feeling that I am not good enough. It’s almost the vibration of the city. The demands expectations people hurl upon you. That insecurity I was talking about. I don’t miss that at all. Because I don’t have it anymore. Sure I didn’t book the big jobs I’ve gone in for so far but just wait until the next one i go in for. Insecurity is real and everyone deals with it. I had it heavy when I was in my early 20s, moving to NYC and getting to do all that I did helped solve all of that. It’s the people. The feedback. What I get to see that I just did with my eyes. The teachers. The instructors. The casting directors. I wasn’t as present as I needed to be before this time in my home. And so it turns out in a year filled with so much despair, needless suffering and division-this year was the ol shake of the salt shaker I needed. I was a mess in NYC at times, like every other actor who is struggling to feed himself. Life is expensive. Life in the city is even more expensive. I was simply auditioning for these big roles being overwhelmed with the workload i needed to maintain to live there and no people around me to help with it all. I don’t beat myself up for this. It’s a lesson for my life. I will be better. I will book the roles. But I needed a break. And I got it. Now I’m beaming with energy filled with purpose and ready to dive into anything and everything. I am very thankful to say that. I’m very thankful for the decisions I’ve made in my life, usually facing harsh tailwinds. This year has been hard on all of us, harder for some than others. I feel it, I recognize this, I know. On my name Tag at the old hotel i used to work for in Copley Square in Boston, my passion was helping people. I tried to do as much as I could for people during this time inside. But I always can do more. Connected some with resources, helped others, helped a veteran get his first house (my dad), phone banked for Joe. I do anything I can, but I want to do so much more. Hopefully soon I’ll deserve to..

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